


Photographic Proof

by tiedyeflag



Category: Team Fortress 2
Genre: Baby Pictures, F/M, Photographs, spy gets rekt by scoot and scoot ma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-23
Updated: 2017-02-23
Packaged: 2018-09-26 11:41:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,520
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9895001
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tiedyeflag/pseuds/tiedyeflag
Summary: Spy discloses some embarrassing baby pictures of Scout, so Scout decides to fight back...with proof of a little secret of the mysterious spy!





	

Scout’s face went pale, then the color returned in an embarrassed flush. The rinky dink table in the RED base game room was covered in photographs. Not of his mother, or of the goddamn motherfucking Spy--no pun intended. These polaroids frayed at the edges, pale with age but still clearly visible.

They were photos of Scout himself.

As a baby.

With baby food all over his face.

Demoman, along with everyone else, laughed and pointed at the photos. “Awww, you were such a wee messy baby, laddie!”

Medic snickered with a hand to his grin. “Ah, yes, and a healthy little specimen, too--oh, Heavy, look at this one, look at his face!! Ohohoh, he’s absolutely covered in it!!”

Heavy guffawed, and slammed his hand against the table so hard it nearly split in two, making the photos jump. “H-Heavy’s sorry, leetle Scout’s pictures--haha--very cute.”

Before anyone could nod and chuckle in agreement, Scout clawed at the pictures and snatched the remaining ones from outstretched hands. Then he shoved them into his pockets and barked, “It was Spy, wasn’t it?”

Everyone went quiet. Seven pairs of eyes shyly drifted into the corner of the room, where Spy leaned against the wall, a cigarette and a smirk on his lips. He plucked the cigarette from his lips and held his hands up with mock shock on his face. “Oh, mon dieu! I’ve been caught! Whatever shall I do?”

“Can it, ya’ fucking rat!” Scout narrowed his eyes. “What, did ya’ go and steal photos from my Ma’s albums?”

“Non, she showed them to me voluntarily. And they were so nauseatingly adorable, I couldn’t resist borrowing a few to share!”

“You...you…” Scout growled as his knuckles went white. His buck teeth stuck out of his sneer, ruining the effect, but the fire in his eyes more than made up for it. “You’ll pay for that, you fucker.”

“Pray tell, how? Put gunpowder in my cigarettes again?”

Scout’s sneer turned into a sinister smile. He pointed at Spy’s chest as he took tiny steps backwards. “Oh, just you wait.” Scout spun on his heels and dashed out of the room.

“What d’you suppose that’s all about?” Demo cocked his head.

Medic shrugged. “Perhaps he’s fetching his bat? He certainly has a tendency to use that against enemy spies.”

“I do not know,” Spy blew a stream of smoke calmly, “but I am curious as to what sort of retaliation Scout has up his sleeve. Surely it’s nothing more than some tasteless, immature prank of some sort. So let us sit back and enjoy the show as Scout fails--”

“I’m BACK!!” Scout yelled as he skid to a stop in front of the table. He smiled widely as he fumbled with a notebook covered in stickers in his arms. Biting his lip, he thumbed through the lined pages until he came to a stop with an, “Aha! There!” and tossed it in the middle of the table. “Check it out!”

“...Is that a drawing of Miss Pauling in a--”

Scout yelped. He flung his hand over the top half of the page and barked, “I meant _below_ that, dumbass!”

Everyone else leaned over to peer at the page. Below Scout’s hand, in ballpoint pen ink, was a drawing of a man with exaggerated cheekbones, a hooked nose, and a scowl.

And balding.

“Mmf! Mmmf mmf mmf?” Pyro pointed at Spy, who wordlessly appeared by the table and stared at the drawing with the others.

“I’m just gonna assume you just said ‘hey! Isn’t that that backstabbing bastard?’” Scout placed his free hand on his hips and leaned on the table. “Well, you’re right! This is my faithful representation of the backstabbing bastard; without his stinky mask!”

“Hon hon hon, very amusing.” Spy hissed. His teeth dug every so slightly into his cigarette. “As admirable as your artistic talent is, I’m afraid a mere drawing alone--”

“Oh, don’t worry,” Scout fished a piece of paper out of his back pocket, “I used a _photographic reference!”_

The cigarette fell to the floor as Spy said, _“What?”_

Scout grinned, and let the photo fall on top of the Miss Pauling sketch. The thick white border of the polaroid framed an image of a man--undeniably Spy--half dressed and unmasked. Remnants of shave cream covered his face, and a face razor sat in his hand. He looked at the camera, eyebrows and mouth crinkling in a combination of annoyance and amusement. The photo was obviously taken from a bathroom, by the colorful shower curtain in the background and the bright lights from the mirror.

Those same lights reflected off the balding crown of his head like a beacon.

“Huh,” Engineer scratched his chin, “So _that’s_ what the snake looks like without his mask…”

“Yeah, and look at him! He’s as bald as an egg! Hahaha!!” Scout pointed at the photo. His laugh awkwardly died when he noticed no one else was joining him, instead staring at him.

“Ahem,” Heavy crossed his arms, and Engineer frowned at Scout.

“O-Oh--uh--no offense to you guys! Really! Serious!! And don’t worry, that backstabbing bastard is waaaaay uglier than you guys put together, really. Like, take a fucking look--huh?” Scout’s eyes widened when he saw the photo was gone. His eyes jerked about the table until his ears picked up the click of a lighter. He looked up and saw a tiny flame catch the corner of the polaroid, and slowly engulfed the rest in flames at Spy’s fingertips.

“Here, Pyro,” Spy dropped it into Pyro’s cupped hands.

“Mmmf mmf! Mm hmf mmmf!”

“I haven’t the foggiest idea what you said, but I am sure we are in agreement that the photograph looks much better now, no?”

“Mmf hmf!”

“I’ll take that as a yes. Now then, gentlemen,” Spy adjusted his lapels and gave Scout, utterly mortified, a nod. “If you’ll excuse me.” He clasped his hands behind his back and left the room.

Scout let his head fall to the table with a dull thud, and groaned. He didn’t see Demo point at the page of the sketchbook.

“That’s a nice drawing of Miss Pauling in a suit, laddie.”

“Shut up, Demo.”

* * *

 

Spy leaned against the wall as he pressed the phone into his ear. “I cannot believe you gave Scout that photo.”

“Well, what were you expecting me to do with it?” The voice on the phone giggled.

“Frankly, I expected you to use it as blackmail against me.”

“Isn’t that what my baby did, though?”

“I meant blackmail from _you_ , ma chérie.”

“Funny, ‘cause I _do_ happen to have another copy lying around. I was thinking of chucking it into the trash, but…”

Spy sighed, but a slight smile played on his lips. “You might as well keep it. I burned the one you gave Scout.”

“What about the other picture? The one my baby drew?”

“...Merde.”

The voice chuckled, “Oh, calm down, hon. It’s perfectly normal for a man your age to loose a lil’ hair. You still look as handsome as ever.”

“Thank you, ma chérie.”

“By the way, I was wondering, you didn’t burn those baby pictures, did you?”

“Heaven forbid. You’d have my head.”

“Good. And I would. I want those back in one piece the next time I see ya’. I swear, those things better not have a single fucking _scratch_ on them, or else.”

“But of course.”

“And maybe bring a copy of the drawing my baby drew, too--I’m dying to see it!”

Spy snorted, “Of all the dirt you have on me, you chose to disclose that to him.”

“Well, I figured you having a pair of boxers with maple leaves all over them wouldn’t be ‘sufficient evidence’ that you’re French Canad--”

Spy made a choking sound. “Ma chérie, please.”

She laughed, “Oh, laugh it up, hon! Besides, I love your laugh!”

“Aha...ha…”

“After all these years, and you still can’t laugh over yourself.”

“I am a prideful man. What can I say.”

“Well, I’d count you admitting that as a small victory. Maybe I should give Jeremy more dirt on ya’ and we can work towards you swallowing your pride.”

“When _did_ you give him that photograph? You took that photo two years ago, did you not?”

“I sent ‘em to him right after I noticed you snatched some of the baby pictures. My woman’s intuition told me you were gonna play dirty, so I gave my baby something to fight back with.”

“I’m surprised he was patient enough to hang on to it that long. I’d expect him to pin it to the base’s refrigerator the moment he laid eyes on it.”

“That’s my baby. Always surprising the both of us.”

“Oui...” A sad smile crept on his face.

“...Well, I won’t keep ya’ any longer. Tell my baby I love him, and I miss him.”

“Of course.”

“And ya’ better not forget to get my baby’s baby pictures, those are some of my favorites!”

Spy chuckled, “Mine as well.”

“Bye bye, hon. I love you.”

“Je t’aime aussi.”

**Author's Note:**

> Don't worry spoo, you're still the problematic fav of my heart, balding or no :3


End file.
